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I got a nice sign of how well my career is going today, when I was approached on Instagram to see if I'd be interested in appearing on the next series of Britain's Got Talent. I have nothing against the show or other comedians who go on there, but generally speaking they are people who have yet to have a TV career. I can't think of anything much sadder than going on that show after you've had a TV career. But also the method of contact is a bit insulting too. I have a manager (and it's easy to find out who I am represented by) so at least ask me via them
There's every chance that it's some very specific spam mail, but I don't think so. The person asking seems to be involved in the world of comedy and is followed by other comedians.
Even if I had any material that was suitable for BGT (which the following secret part of this blog strongly suggests I do not) I can't think that it would be anything but a horrible humiliation to go on the show. Having to be auditioned by David Walliams would be such a come down. I don't think he does it any more, due to reasons (though those reasons haven't stopped his successful children's books), but whoever is in tehc chair. It's OK to be judged by someone who doesn't know you. But a contemporary, that you started at the same time as? Ooooh.
Does Amanda Holden still do it? She used to come and see my shows in the 1990s (and I think might once have propositioned me at a BBC party, but typical for 1990s Richard Herring, I didn't realise that for about a decade - what a life I might have led!) The idea of her being supportive in the face of confusion from everyone else makes me feel sick.
I imagine that they might want me on as a result of my plucky battle against cancer and to spread the word about self-examination. But my involved routines about testicles and spunk might not fly with the audience. And Simon Cowell literally has no sense of humour.
If I was insane enough to take the chance I am absolutely certain to get buzzed off and probably kill off any career I might have left. The best that could happen is I do well, with TV friendly stuff and then sell out shows to audiences who find my live stuff a bit too much to cope with.
So I didn't reply. It's a total lose lose.
Do you think I should do it?
Craig from Niche Locks' keys arrived today. Sadly although they were the right length, they were too thin to fit into the lock. I needed a slightly bigger shaft and definitely a larger hole at the end, though I think the head was the right shape at least.. This is a serious subject so I will not be making a joke about that.
The quest to open my bureau must continue. If you think you can provide the Cinderella key then do get in touch. I'd still get my niche locks from Niche Locks because it's very decent of Craig to give it a go. But there is no getting away from the fact that he is a failure.
Perhaps not as much of a failure as the guy who locked his key in the bureau, but that's not what we're talking about here.
(key pictured is obvs the one that opens the drawers, not the one that opens the desk)
Craig advised me to get spare keys cut for the bureau, but the thing is I NEVER lock my bureau. It's a dumb thing to do because if you're burgled the burgler will just force the locks anyway (I'd ask a burgler to open it, but I don't think they'd do it delicately) and they generally smash the bureau to do so. I only locked the bureau so I could move it.
No one is more cursed than I.
And I feel a bit weird about sending the following out to anyone who isn't enthusiastically following my substack, so there's a whole extra entry for paid subs here, and I have to give a trigger warning. It's about someone doing something horrible to a tortoise. So even if you've paid, only read on if you're comfortable with that.
If this leads to a slew of new paid subs I might have to call in the police. So if you want to read it, the best idea would be to sub from a different entry to make it look like it wasn't tortoise abuse that finally piqued your interest.
As I've said before, there are a few paid subs, but not enough to allow to devote too much time to producing bonus material. I'd love to do as much as possible on here, including writing short stories and maybe even novels, plus bonus podcasts and puppet shows! So if you'd like to help facilitate that and can afford less than £5 a month (if you do a yearly sub) then do consider subbing. It won't all be unpleasant stuff about tortoises (unless this blog gets A LOT of traction)
Also below, a video of me reading both blogs! Including Wolfie AND a Solero. Come on. It’s time to make the leap.