Bombed

Warming Ups

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I feel I’ve been wasting my time as a comedian and writer. I am not the only one.

It may be a bit late in the day and I’ve definitely got a lot to learn but I was thinking of getting into the arms business. It’s definitely a good time to be building bombs and stuff as demand is high and only likely to get higher. I don’t know if you know how it works but politicians pay millions of pounds for one bomb and then rather than putting it in a bank vault or popping it on their mantlepiece to impress visitors, they literally blow the thing up. BANG. It’s gone. So they have to come right back to you and buy another one. They snap the things up as fast as you can make them. And the beauty is that the more they use the more they have to use, because they tend to explode the bombs on their enemies, their enemies get upset about it and fight back and then the bomb buyers, who might just have had one bomb in the first place, have to buy loads of the things.

If you really know what you’re doing you can also sell bombs to the enemy, who like idiots who don’t understand that you should take care of expensive things, will just blow up theirs as well. This will infuriate the first lot of bomb buyers who will buy more bombs and more expensive ones, to punish their enemies for having the audacity to bomb them, just because they got bombed in the first place. The high dudgeon of the people who did the bombing in the first place is remarkable, but if you can sell enough bombs and get people riled up enough, you’ll find that no one actually remembers who did the first bomb, or even any of the ones before the last one. They will just take the most recent bombing as an excuse to do another bombing. All the time, remember, blowing up the expensive bomb that you made and being forced to buy more bombs in case the people they bombed start bombing them back (a little secret - they almost always will). Everyone else is blowing up bombs and getting killed by bombs and you can just sit back and count your money in your Scrooge McDuck treasure room.

You’re not morally culpable. You just made the bombs. It’s up to the people who bought them to do what they want with them. Bombs don’t kill people. People kill people. With bombs.

No one can touch you. Though just to be safe, probaby don’t go to the factory where the bombs are being made (sometimes they can blow up by accident, but occasionally someone will realise that if they can blow up the bomb factory- maybe with one of the bombs you sold them, the cheeky monkeys- that no more bombs can be made). So just make sure your treasure room is bomb proof and live in that. Don’t worry about the cost. You’ll have so much money by now you’ll actually be slightly sickened by the sight of it. You won’t be able to spend it in ten thousand lifetimes. You literally can’t lose.

Some people might say, but what if the bombing gets so bad that so many people are killed and so much is destroyed that there’s nobody to buy bombs. Don’t worry. People just keep on reproducing. And the new ones are so angry about how the older ones got blown up that they buy bombs to blow up the children of the people who blew up their parents. Even though they don’t remember why anyone was blowing anyone up originally.

What if you built a bomb so powerful that a few of them could wipe out all life on earth? That sounds like quite a bad way to go. You’d think, right. Nope. If you build a bomb that can kill enough people and get both sides to buy it, then for once, they actually will hang on to those bombs and keep them really safe and the fact that everyone has them means, in theory, that no one will ever use them (apart from the first couple of times). You might think that that bucks the system, but the beauty of those bombs is that you can just charge whatever you like for them. Enough money to keep free health care going for decades. And people will pay it, even though they think that having the bombs means they won’t have to use the bombs, and just carry on using the smaller bombs (which ironically can kill just as many people, but a but slower).

If you’re really smart you can tell the politicians that they have to test the really expensive bombs to make sure they work properly. So they will still blow them up and have to buy new ones. Though sadly nobody dies in this case. Apart from some servicemen that you use as guinea pigs to test the long term consequences. Personally I feel if they don’t die straight away then it doesn’t count as a kill for the bomb, but hopefully a lot of those servicemen will be killed by smaller bombs, fuelling the anger and resentment that will lead to the bombings going on for generations.

The one thing you don’t want, is for one side to get so good at bombing that it destroys all their enemies and so doesn’t need bombs any more. Then it gets a bit more complex and you need to try and stir up anger and resentment within a country so that other people on their own side become enemies. So somewhere down the line you might need to buy a social media channel for what feels like a ridiculous amount of money. Don’t worry you’ll get it all back in the long run. And by that stage you’ll have so much money anyway that you can’t spend it all, even if you’re buying stuff for billons.

Like I say, I may have left this a bit late in life as I don’t have any idea on how to make a bomb or a rich family that can pay for all the components and factories and stuff, but I’m going to give it a go by emptying out some fireworks and seeing what I can make with the stuff that makes them explode (whatever that is).

I hope I can make this a big enough success so that in a couple of decades people will look back at me, like they do at Hitler. If only that art school had let him in then we wouldn’t have had all that bother. Well, if only people had found me funny and bought tickets to my show, I wouldn’t have had to go in this direction.

As I say, it won’t be my responsibility if some of those people who thought I was rubbish and said so on youtube are killed by one of my bombs. But I am going to have a picture of my face on every bomb so the last thing they see is me and they can have a think about whether they should have been a bit more supportive of my comedy.

A few of my actual fans might also die in any bombing, though I think statistics are on their side. I estimate that about one in a million people on earth are fans of my comedy. If every bomb I sell kills 1000 people, the odds of it hitting that one in a million are pretty tiny.

Let me know if you want to invest.

Another Newsround, this time addressing the pros and cons of injecting acid into your genitalia.

Retro RHLSTP with Sarah Keyworth now up as a full free video on youtube

Or listen here.

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Looking remarkably relaxed and fine after the trauma of birth. Look how young and fit I was and how much years of parenthood has taken from me. Also pictured, one of my kids, I forget which.

Today marked my eleventh anniversary of becoming a parent. And I’ve done that job, without a single day off for all this time. I’ve been amazing.

I thought maybe, today, my family might acknowledge this milestone - maybe Catie would have got me some gifts or brought me breakfast in bed. But nothing.

I can already sense the many woke feminazis who read this bristling and saying, “Wait, did you get anything for Catie? After all she has been a parent for exactly the same length of time and arguably does more actual parenting and also squeezed two human beings out of her body somehow, though I am not really clear on that part.”

No, I did not get her anything. Just like you don’t give a farmer a present on the 11th anniversary of the first time he harvested some potatoes. She just grew the babies, which happens naturally and by magic and causes her no bother. I had to drive them to school today AND pick them up.

This anniversary should be about being a great parent, not just squeezing new people out of you somehow (I still can’t work out where they came out - I assume some kind of door? Nothing else I can think of seems realistic).

Anyway to add insult to injury Phoebe got given loads of presents today and she has literally done nothing. Some insane members of the wokarati might consider the mother an almost equal parent, but the kids themselves should be no part of this celebration at all. What are they getting presents for? Being born? Working out how to open the secret baby door? I bet it just opens automatically. Babies are really stupid and useless and would be in there for years unless it’s got motion sensors or something of that nature.

If you want to give them a present for getting out into the actual world, then maybe they get one on the day. To be still giving them gifts eleven years later just seems sarcastic. And rude to the dads. The dads who do everything.

Look at this useless little thing. Still getting presents to this day? For what?

Anyway, as no one else seems to want to do it, let me just say, “Well done Rich for your eleven years of reasonably solid parenting. Both children are alive and in one piece, even if your efforts to keep them going have cost you one testicle and the loss of pigment in your hair. I’m going to buy you a present for all you’ve done, even if no one else will.”

I wouldn’t mind but if I bring this up to my family they all seem to resent me. Especially Catie. And she’s not even a child so she doesn’t really have any excuse for such self-centredness.

Here’s to all the amazing dads out there. Every one of them deserving of annual gifts for their incredible work.

When will there be a Fathers’ Day?