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Warming Up

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Ernie, in the one second he was quiet in the last 8 years.

Somehow this tiny baby has grown into an 8 year old boy. This is what happens if you feed them apparently. So let that be a warning to you all.

In a nice retro touch he wanted a lot of WWII stuff and was excited to get a soldier uniform which he wore all day. I’d be concerned about these militaristic tendencies, but as with so many things he is following his father with this. I played for hours with plastic soldiers and even managed to turn top and tailing blackcurrants into a war between the black and the green berries. I did not turn into a homicidal killing machine and suspect my sweet son won’t either.

Though I slightly worry about what will happen with the looming World War Three. And my kids becoming soldiers for real (thanks to political correctness gone mad girls will also have to fight- thanks very much Germaine Greer). Hopefully we’ll all be wiped out in a nuclear attack and so not have to face the awful prospect of our children going to war. Fingers crossed.

Ernie had a good day and we had a fun party where this sometimes very shy child became the life and soul and seemed to be able to make all of his friends laugh with great ease.

I took my life in my hands and held the piñata (which I stuck to the end of a cricket stump). I only got hit once, but was in the eye of the storm as feral kids gave that thing some serious abuse and than scampered like velocirapters on any Moams that fell out. Never mind if the next kid was about to swing the bat at the thing. No injuries. I left the arena with as many balls as I went into it with.

We had a visit from Safari Stu, who brought in a zoo’s worth of creepy crawlies, snakes and small mammals. Before we went in Ernie shouted “Can I make an announcement - there’s loads of animals in there so we have to be quiet and I realise that I am talking very loudly here to let you know this.” His friends are correct. This boy is a riot.

Safari Stu was a great booking. He immediately got out some giant stick insects that made all the adults wince, but that the kids and Ernie in particular loved holding and getting stuck all over them. Ernie was in camouflage so some of them blended in pretty well. I worried they might not all get taken home.

All the adults, who we thought might take a break in the kitchen, got involved and held the animals too, which I was reluctant to do. The highlight, for Ernie, was when a tarantula did a wee on one of the mum’s hands. Apparently she was very lucky as this only happens about once every two years. I am not sure she felt that lucky but she took it in good spirits. She probably didn’t have that on her bingo card when she woke up this morning.

I avoided the spiders and the snakes, but when the chameleon came out Ernie said “My dad is a chameleon” and I felt duty bound to hold it. Stu plonked a black lizard on to my shoulder at the same time. You’ll just have to trust me that there’s a chameleon in that picture.

It was an hour of gasps of delight and only minimal tears of fear and I genuinely couldn’t recommend Safari Stu more. There are some real surprises in store and you wouldn’t believe his little boxes could hide so many terrifying creatures. The albino skunk was the scariest of all. For us at least. If he let off then the room would smell for six months.

Stu seemed pretty confident that there would be no farting or biting and said that if any creatures did that in a show they would be retired. Which means that they might do it in a show. The jeopardy made it more fun. Though it’s probably a faux pas if a child at a party is killed by a Boa Constrictor.

It’s been a real honour to get to know this complicated, sweet, shy, raucous, peace-loving, war-obsessed and hilarious little boy over the last eight years (and his sister for approaching eleven years). Who knows what madness and disasters and triumphs await? I think it’s a safe bet it’s going to be a wobbly ride. Terrifying and fun, like having a huge snake curling round your neck and watching a spider urinate on a lovely, respectable mum.