Inside Inside Number 9

Warming Up

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I live quite a mundane life (what do you mean you'd noticed?) but due to a very tenuous grasp on celebrity I occasionally get to do something extraordinary: Taskmaster, Mastermind, being taught to row by Olympians. It's pretty insane, but luckily these things come around so rarely that I don't take any of them for granted.

Tonight Catie and me got a cab to Bromley to watch Inside Number 9's Stage/Fright, which apart from being quite far from our house wasn't that crazy. The weird bit was that I was also going to be in the show.

A couple of weeks ago I'd been thinking it would have been nice to get that gig and then a few hours later I got an email asking me to do it. I don't want to come over all Noel Edmonds (even though he's little I don't think I can produce sufficient quantities to do that) but it seems like if you ask the Universe for something then the Universe will provide. The same thing happened a few years ago when I was listening to No Such Thing As A Fish and thinking it would be fun to be on that podcast. A couple of days later they asked me.

What I am saying is that the same could happen to you, so just ask the Universe to be on these shows and you will be. Though to be fair the Universe might be cleverer than that. I didn't directly ask it, just thought about how cool it might be and the Universe, recognising me as someone who is moral, pure of heart and never done anything wrong, decided to reward me.

So you can't just think "ooh, it'd be nice to win the Euromillions this week" - you have to think it, without thinking "I'll trick the Universe into giving it to me". Try that. It's pretty hard, but it's worked twice for me.

Though sometimes you can nag the universe until it gets so fed up with you asking that it just gives you the thing, just to shut you up. Like the time I went out with Julia Sawalha. Though the Universe sometimes likes to play with you, so be careful what you wish for.

What I am saying is that Noel Edmonds and me are magic - he's more magic than me, it seems- and literally everyone else in the world could be if they were as spiritual as us. You just have to wish it.

I've got distracted.

The slightly unsettling thing about being the guest on Stage/Fright is that there is no meaningful rehearsal and you are kept in the dark (literally for the first few minutes) as to what is going to happen.

More nerve inducing is the fact that there are quite a few things that they tell you you have to do during the scene. If you had to impro everything it would be easier, but we arrived about 30 minutes later than we were scheduled to (due to traffic on the M25 - who could have predicted that and why did the Universe get me this job and then not make sure I had an easy journey?) and were whisked up on to the stage, where we met Steve and Reece and did some photos and I was then quickly told about some lines I HAD to say and some business I HAD to do.

It was a lot to take in, but there was still almost an hour to show time and so I had time to get changed into my costume and think about what was coming up (at least the bits I knew about).

I was calmer about this than I thought I would be, but it hadn't quite sunk in that this was really happening.

I watched the first half hour from the wings, which meant I missed some of the action, but got to see some behind the scenes secrets.

Then suddenly I was being whisked to the back of the stage and had a bag put over my head and my hands tied and Steve grabbed me and pulled me on to stage.

I was relieved that when my identity was revealed at least some of the audience knew who I was (some even seemed pleased about it, though if they'd gone to the West End they might have got someone proper like Sir Ian McKellern) and at least one person shouted RHLSTP when I mentioned it.

It was an extremely enjoyable experience, with plenty of mickey taking and being called on to do some unexpected tasks. I don't want to give too many spoilers but one of the things foisted on me was a trumpet that I was supposed to play. Aside from a brief bit in The Headmaster's Son, it's been 42 years since I last played a trumpet, but a little bit of it has stuck and I played an upward and downward scale without too many mistakes. It's a shame I couldn't remember any actual tune, but I'd say it was worth the years of being forced to play the bloody thing as a child just for this pay off.

I got to insult Steve and Reece and finally come on for a protracted bow (to cover a scene change) and even though it was all just a joke, it was a really amazing feeling to get a huge theatre full of people clapping and cheering you.

Not something I am used to, you are correct. Why are you being so mean though?

My job was done and I was able to watch the second half of the show with Catie and it's a truly excellent thing. Some people might do a lazy TV cash-in show and do the bare minimum and take the money, but of course Steve and Reece couldn't do that even if they wanted to. There's magic, costume changes, twists, special effects, enough references to the series to keep the fans happy, some bits of classic episodes, but a whole new story as well.

I am in awe of these guys (even more so than I ever was) - their dedication and professionalism are second to none, yet they retain a childish bitchiness that I love. You really get your money's worth with this one, so if you get a chance to see it then I would highly recommend it. Sadly you won't get to see me in it, but I now at least am part of the Inside Number 9 universe, if only in the tangential way that I am also part of the Doctor Who Universe.

But as a fan who has won a competition these tangential experiences are more than enough for me.

RHLSTP Book Club with another remarkable human and comedy genius, Cariad Lloyd is now up wherever you podcast.

Remarkably we've somehow done 150 of these now.

Her book "Where Did She Go?" is so beautiful and a great way to teach kids about death and has made me cry every time I've read it. In a good way. Buy it here.