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Is today a good day to admit that I never had testicular cancer?
Yes I spent the last four years lying about my life in order to sell millions of books and get a film where Jason Isaacs plays my excised bollock.
I did take a ball off just to make the story look real. And to be honest (which I never am) I didn't earn enough money to make that worthwhile, but I'd like to apologise to all the people who enjoyed the book and the show and the many people who believed that, like I claimed had happened to me, you can cure testicular cancer by just really concentrating and growing a new bollock.
Ha ha. I am just doing a clever take on a current news story. I would never lie to you. It should be clear by now that I am unflinchingly honest in my work. Much too honest. Telling you a lot of stuff that I really didn't have to and shouldn't have done so. I am like the people in Ricky Gervais' masterpiece "The Invention of Lying" who far from living in a world where lies don't exist, actually live in a world where everyone is seemingly duty bound to tell the truth at all times. Or sometimes not. Surely you don't need to know how to lie in order to know that you can sometimes just keep quiet about stuff. It's more a world where people have to say their internal monologue out loud. Though sometimes not. And it would have been enough for Ricky Gervais just to stop doing that. Also if you lived in that world and were in your fifties, would you still be surprised and offended by people's honesty, or just accept that's how things were? Who knows? Not Ricky Gervais for sure. Or Joey from Bread with Sliding Doors or the Truman Show.
I'm going to write a film called The Invention of Having To Think Things Through and Make Them Logically Consistent. I don't know why my scripts don't get made.
Sorry got side-tracked. What I am saying is you can trust me because I can't help repeatedly telling the truth at all times.
The only things I have ever lied about in my work is that I've made out I am stupid when I am highly intelligent (though I've pretended to be thick for so long now that I think I might actually have become thick). I've also pretended to be a twat on the outside but secretly nice on the inside, when I am twat all the way through. Solid twat. Not a nice bone in my body. Though I don't think anyone has a nice bone. Bones aren't really able to express emotion or follow morality, they just do their job of stopping you being a blob on the floor. Though again, often not doing a great job of that.
Is it lying to not say absolutely everything that has happened to you? The people in the Invention of Lying would think so (if they knew what lying was). Is it lying to present yourself as the hero of your own story or argue that you were always right in arguments or that other people are to blame for how things turned out for you? Because that would make most autobiographies untrue too.
I guess it's lying to say that a bad businessman took your house, when in fact your own crimes led to you losing your house. Maybe honesty would have made the book better.
It seems that The Salty Trail (or whatever it's called) is selling loads of copies this week anyway. Which is why I am here to tell you that "Can I Have My Ball Back?" is all made up. Please buy it.
Sadly I don't have the imagination to make stuff up. It's all exactly what happened. All right, I don't think Catie and I had that conversation directly after my phone call from the doctor where I wilfully misunderstood what she meant by the C word. Hopefully this revelation will bring the whole edifice that is my sham of a life, crashing down.
Of course what I failed to note in yesterday's blog was that I had asked AI to write a script in the style of Richard Herring. So it wasn't a terrible stand up routine, but a sophisticated satire and diss of my work. Damn you AI.
I put the performance up on Youtube without too much explanation of what it was and was disappointed to see how many people took it at face value and also how many of them thought I was actually 60.
Also up on youtube for the first time, the full and free video of Deborah Frances White's 2022 RHLSTP appearance
An old mate of mine would not, for whatever reason, believe that I’d had testicular cancer. It took me whipping out my ersatz silicone bollock and repeatedly twatting it on the edge of the table and flicking it hard with my finger.
I still don’t think he was entirely convinced. Perhaps he thinks there’s a lot more wrong with me than inventing a condition for which I had two surgeries and chemo.
Have you also been lying about your aphantasia to gain millions too?
You make us sick.