Mooching

Warming Up

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The curse of the world's oldest person strikes again. When will we learn? When will someone protect these frail souls?

Goodbye Tomiko Itooka. You were a candle in the wind.

But not a very impressive wind. And more of a forest fire.

So soon after losing the oldest ever President of the USA. I can only reiterate that I hope I never get to be the oldest person in the world. It's an absolute death sentence. Please let's look after Inah Canabarro Lucas (who was only 16 days younger than Tomiko, so do keep an eye out). At least she gets a shot at the title. And Inah is a nun, so if she dies then that proves there's no God (and vice versa).

I'd better watch out though. I've only just found out that this is a thing. I've got to be in the running.

We went to Cheddar's finest restaurant La Rocca for lunch. The Gorge was unsurprisingly quiet given the coldness of the season, but we had a fun meal and played "Who am I?" with post-it notes stuck to our heads. Dad was Richard Herring. He wishes.

He got it quickly though, mainly because he had first asked "Is he a man?" and I said "Very much so." His first thought was Tarzan, but he got to me very quickly.

Cheddar Sweet Kitchen in happier days.

After lunch I drove the oldies home and came back for a little wander up the Gorge. We went to have a look at the Cheddar Sweet Kitchen which I confess I don't think I'd ever been in, but I remembered that they made their own sweets and you could watch, which I thought would be fun for the kids. But even though the shop was still had signs up about sweets, there was just a shelf of fudge and the place was now selling trinkets and crystals and stuff.

What was once here.

There was a sign promising sweets this way, but it led nowhere. We talked to the slightly morose man behind the counter. "What are you up to today? he asked, "Don't tell me you're mooching," he answered with a good side order of bitterness before we had a chance to tell him we were visiting relatives. Ernie was interested in the amethysts but they were pretty expensive.

When it became clear that we weren't going to buy anything his face fell further and he said he might as well shut up now. "This place is dead," he said, perhaps unaware it was a freezing day in January which has never been peak tourist time, even in happier days for the Gorge. "It's over."

Even when I worked in the Caves in the 80s Cheddar was past its heyday, but it's a great day out and the Gorge especially is beautiful. I am sad the man's business is not going well, but maybe they should take down some of the signs about sweets, because there aren't any, so they're going to get customers like me who (after only 50 years) finally want to see how sweets are made and then are offered some bags of fudge.

There were rumours that the caves would not open again after they closed during Covid, but the attractions did open their doors (do caves have doors?) a couple of years ago. I spent many happy days up here, mooching, failing to talk to girls, eating Big Feast lollies and eventually working up here. And I've spent my whole adult life trying to get one sitcom or other off the ground about the place. I love it here and I love Cheddar and it deserves to be on every tourist's list. Even if you can't see sweets being made here any more.

We popped into a shop that was more up front about selling tat (also ice cream and loads more sweets and fudge than the ex-sweet factory). Ernie saw one of those toy cactuses that sway when music is played. He really wanted it. He's had enough tat over Christmas and refuses to part with anything, so there was no way he was getting it. He said he wouldn't leave the shop unless he got it. It was a cute rather than petulant protest and one with no teeth as this boy is scared to go to the toilet on his own so would definitely not hang around if we all left the shop. The girl behind the counter didn't pre-accuse of us of being moochers and stepped in to say that the cactus was actually hers and it wasn't for sale. In spite of it clearly having a price tag on it. It was very nice of her. She knew she wasn't getting a sale in any case, so she might as well help out. As a reward I spent £10,000 on fudge and Man Cave signs and a rip off Thor Hammer.

Or at least was more inclined to.

Instead I will give Cheddar something much more valuable, a plug in my blog, which is read by up to 5000 people. If just one of them decides to go to the magnificent Cheddar Gorge to buy an amethyst and a dancing cactus then that could save the place.

Or if a TV producer is reading this - Cheddar Gorge is on its arse so will be a really cheap place to film, especially in the winter. Make one of my scripts and we can save this place and make it the number one (summer) tourist destination. And finally there will be a museum about me and my life and probably a statue of me, in gratitude for all I have done. So we'll all be winners.

8063/20994

We were meant to be driving home today, but the country was under threat of coming to a stand still due to snow and a new kind of rain that is liquid, in spite of being colder than zero degrees and which turns to ice as it hits the ground. The laws of physics were being overturned and I was expected to get my family safely from Somerset to Hertfordshire.

As it happened there was no impossible freezing rain (though plenty of the regular kind that actually exists) and very little sign of snow or ice and the temperature was a balmy 12 degrees and it was one of the easiest journeys home we've ever had. Perhaps other road users had stayed at home in fear of being turned into an ice statue as the UK was now apparently Narnia. Or maybe it was just because it was Sunday morning. The rain made things a little bit slower, but we got home in good time and without having to dig our way out of a snow drift.

The kids were disappointed to the point of tears. Phoebe thought that she had missed snow at home. She loves snow. In spite of the cat shit snowman experience. Hear more about this on my upcoming tour!

We did make the point that they'd be much better off if it snows on Tuesday as then they'll get time off school, rather than on a day we were travelling. But kids love snow above all else. Though not in whatever country there is a bit too much snow for it to be exciting.

As long term readers will know I am a big fan of number-plate games. I finally completed the basically impossible (even when the right kind of number plate existed) CNPS. DO NOT attempt to play this game now. It is super impossible now, even if you dedicate your life to it (as I did in 2004). For more information on this download The Twelve Tasks of Hercules Terrace.

Another game slightly spoiled by the new style number plates is the one where you attempt to make a word out of the three consecutive letters. You can add any other letters, but the three number plate letters must appear in the word in the order they are on the number plate. So if you have PTG, you could have "Putting" or "Spitting" or "Pentangle". I can't remember if you got more points for longer words or shorter words, but we spent hours happily playing this in the 1970s, whilst attempting to make a polo last as long as possible. We did not have ipads. Not even Gameboys. Not even Walkmans. Not even a radio (that was just our car though, but I don't think they came as standard - you have to have one installed).

Sometimes it was easy to get a word, sometimes it was more challenging.

Anyway modern day number plates do have three consecutive letters so you can still play the game, but it's like whoever decided they were going to destroy CNPS also wanted to wreck this word game, because the majority of numberplates tend to go for some impossible combination like XXK or JVZ. Come on numberplate makers, give us a chance to have some fun. I mainly feel sorry for the author of the car journey game book that I had as a child. It's like they want them to sell zero copies. And they must be about 120 by now so they really need the money (also they are the oldest person in the world, so they need money for protection). You could still play Pub Cricket if all the pubs weren't closing down.

Phoebe and me managed to play the game for a little while, but it was frustratingly impossible. And there weren't as many cars as usual and the ones that weren't nearby were obscured by rain and spray. So she went back to her ipad and the chance to relive the excruciating journeys of the 1970s was lost.

I was a super number plate nerd in the 70s. I could tell you which county a car came from. But today's new fangled number plates are impossible to understand. If Reform promise to return us to the 1970s in number plates then they will get my vote.

How come I didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 20?