My Tiny Tim

Warming Up

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Today’s blog shows why you should never give up on your dreams.

I had got to the point at 58 years old where I had assumed that there were some acting roles no longer open to me: Hamlet (too old), Buzz Lightyear (not a cartoon), the Pamela Anderson part on Baywatch (too old, not pretty enough, breasts too small, look bad in a bathing costume, they no longer make that show, already cast, it’s impossible to travel back in time) any acting job that I haven’t written (my management never puts me up for auditions, generally considered to be a weak actor, despite being considered to be generally good at University - go figure).

Is this role really beyond my talents?

But sometimes the part that you think is beyond you falls into your lap and that happened today.

I did not wake up this morning thinking ,”Today I will play Tiny Tim in front of a paying audience.” I had a hundred reasons why I did not wake up thinking that.

1. I woke up, as usual, thinking, why is my son waking me up. I need to sleep more.

2. I then thought I need the toilet, despite having gone six times in the night - having been to a party and drunk one large non-alcoholic beer, two cans of Trip and half a jug of water at an Indian restaurant.

3. I did not know there was even a production of A Christmas Carol going on in town today, let alone that I was going to see it. I thought we were going to a Pantomime.

4. I had not recently auditioned for A Christmas Carol and if I had I would maybe have tried out for Scrooge or a dead body in the graveyard of the unspeaking Ghost of Christmas Future or maybe Beaker presuming they were going with the original and using mainly Muppets.

5. I am not Tiny. I am 168cms tall.

6. I do not look like I come from a family that is struggling to feed itself.

7. I am not disabled aside from only having one testicle, which the hypocritical people at Scope keep telling me doesn’t count and I can’t have a parking badge.

8. I am not a Victorian child. I am an Elizabethan man.

That’s it. It turns out that there were 8 reasons.

To be fair I didn’t even realise I would be playing Tiny Tim until one second before I was. Not many actors have to find their character and do the job in mere milliseconds, but I was thrust into the spotlight and even though I was possibly miscast and hadn’t seen the script, I think I did a pretty good job.

Here’s how it happened…

In an overpacked weekend we were going to see another theatrical offering this evening. We had already been to Letchworth today to see my Mother-in-Law singing in her choir in a barn. I would rather have had a lie-in or (in hindsight) poured over the script of a Christmas Carol) but I am glad I went. It was surprisingly good. We also bought some smelly cheese and a jigsaw of Hitchin and saw some sleeping pigs and a cow that looked like it was animatronic but was real and just chewing nothing in an exaggerated and comedic manner.

If it hadn’t been for giving my Tiny Tim then that would be what this blog is about. But we don’t have time to mess around here, as I think the rest of this entry attests.

This evening we went out to walk the wet and crepuscular streets of Hitchin to go to the British Schools Museum where I still thought we were seeing a pantomime, but when I got there I realised it was a production of A Christmas Carol, at least some of which was going to be outside.

I love A Christmas Carol and am ambivalent about pantomime so was happy about this. The actors began milling around beforehand and I recognised one of them who also recognised me. I wasn’t 100% sure where I knew him from but he’d later briefly break character to tell me he was Nico and he’d been on my podcast.

It turned out to be an excellent, interactive production where we moved through various parts of the old school and though sadly there were no Muppets, there were some puppets and charmingly they called on kids to take a few of the parts. Details here.

Ernie Herring, once again, had been very keen to heckle and join in and show off from the start. In a brief singing competition between our half of the small crowd and the other half we’d been encouraged to boo their efforts and then outdo them. When we won Ernie shouted “Ha ha. Take that random strangers!” which got a big laugh and rightly so. Where does he get this comedic genius from? Oh yes, his mum.

Ernie was keen to play a part and by vigorously raising his hand landed the role of Tiny Tim. “Oh good luck,” I asided to the actors. This boy needs little encouragement and this could go one of two ways.

Just like with my mother-in-law’s choir I hadn’t had the highest expectations for this performance, but I was again confounded. It was funny, subversive, had some great theatrics in it and the actors were uniformly excellent. We moved inside the slightly spooky school to see Scrooge’s past and Phoebe told Ernie that his character was going to die and Ernie suddenly became a bit reluctant to carry on. Like his dad he is a combination of extrovert and introvert, loves getting a laugh but is scared of nearly everything if he allows himself to think about it. He took off his Tiny Tim hat and said he didn’t want to do it any more.

I hoped he’d change his mind, as I knew he’d been great, but I think there have been enough spoilers already to let you know that he did not change his mind.

When we arrived at the Cratchett’s home I spoke up and said that the original Tiny Tim had a bit of stage fright and that they might need to recast. I thought the company would quickly select another child, but without a thought (perhaps this happens a lot) they said they thought they already had the perfect Tiny Tim and that I should do it.

And thus I was thrust into the spotlight, something that I would usually be very shy about and forced to hobble to the table using my newly acquired tiny crutch to play the biggest Tiny Tim there has even been in British theatre (actually I think Mitch Benn once did a one man Christmas Carol so he might hold the record). Suddenly the name Tiny Tim seemed like a cruel piece of irony or maybe the sort of banter that Robin Hood and his men enjoyed.

I played the part to the best of my ability. I think I was pretty good. “God Bless Us Everyone” I shouted on cue.

I was sad that Ernie had missed out on this, but delighted that I ticked “playing Tiny Tim in a professional performance of A Christmas Carol” off of my bucket list.

It’s funny what life can throw at you. If I can wake up one morning not knowing that today is the day I play Tiny Tim, then you can wake up one morning not realising that today is the day that you become Emperor of Earth or fall in love with a hot beverage or commit an atrocity. Life is that exciting.

I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring.