Pret a Potty

Warming Up

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More studio RHLSTPs today, so into London quite early. I had time to eat a brunch at Pret a Manger. I then went to the loo. Why is it that toilets in places like this are positioned too close to the door. So that when you try to leave you have to step back and it’s almost impossible to avoid wiping your leg against the horrible piss-coated porcelain. It’s not even really any consolation that you’re contacting with the piss of the kind of respectable people who can afford to eat at Pret a Manger. Also, in spite of the door code, it’s pretty easy to wait for someone else to come in or out, so it’s actually the piss of anyone who was in the vicinity and needed a piss.

I don’t discriminate. All strangers’ piss is as bad as each other. I certainly don’t enjoy being coated in the urine of people I have never met and anyone who says I do is lying.

The door only needs to be a few centimetres further away and this wouldn’t happen. I am not telling the people who design coffee shop toilets how to do their job. Oh wait, actually I am. Do a better job. Don’t put the door so close to the fucking piss-soaked facilities please

Going to try and sell that one to Michael Mcintyre.

Three podcasts today, (which seems like a lot but it won’t even get me through the next fortnight of releases), the first one with Harriet Tyce, the best-selling author who you may have also seen be magnificent (and then a little bit scary) on Traitors. Her book Witch Trial is scary and mischievous and has such an unpredictable ending, which I think you will love. I certainly did.

I was very excited to meet her, but it turned out that she was also aware of my work as she gave a little “aaaah” at one point.

It was really interesting to get down into the nitty gritty of novel writing with her and she talks about her failures as well as her many successes as an author. And it’s good to hear (though not surprising) that Traitors has brought a huge new audience to her already very successful work.

I also had fun chats with comedians Stephen Bailey (who I am not sure I’ve ever met before) and Wendy Wason (who I have been friends with since the mid-90s). The relaxed vibe of the Podcast Room takes us to some interesting places. I think overall I prefer the live shows, but these are a different flavour. And because I booked the guests in on a tighter time schedule than before I didn’t really get down time between the chats, so it was over three hours of constant talking.

Stephen is a very outgoing and likeable personality, and can somehow get away with being rude and bitchy because he’s so likeable (Barry Cryer always said that if you liked someone they could get away with much more offensive jokes than comedians you didn’t warm to), so I was surprised to learn how shy and studious he’d been as a child. And he’s a rare comedian who wasn’t obsessed with comedy, which I think makes his stuff a lot more interesting.

We have a lot in common, most obviously our obsession with penises (he has more hands on experience), though we bonded over the fact that we both do a lot of other stuff too, but it’s not necessarily what we’re remembered for.

The recordings finished at 3pm and I was able to get home by 4pm, mainly because I bolted up the many stairs at Finsbury Park and got on a train 3 seconds before it departed. I then sat in my seat, thinking my heart might explode, but (spoiler alert) it didn’t.

I am so committed to Craven Newsround that even after an exhausting day of podcasts, I tossed off a quick episode before the kids’ bedtime. Watch it here. I wouldn’t like to be old Keir Starmers when this comes out. Hoping for a RT from Trump.

I am very excited about our first announced guest for the 20th April RHLSTP at the Leicester Sq Theatre - it’s Natasha Hodgson, one of the absolute geniuses behind (and up front) the Operation Mincemeat musical. Tickets here.

Still a few at £18.50, but be quick so once the Mincemeat fans hear about this I think those will go fast.

Also Retro RHLSTP with Eshaan Akbar went up today. Watch the full video for free

or listen to the audio here.

If you appreciate all this free stuff (and have the means) then please either become a monthly badger if you want the money to go to making even more podcasts.

Or become a paid sub on Substack if you want the money to come to me to help pay for all my cocaines (actually sticks of liquorice, though maybe someone could combine the two like in those old sherbet fountains we used to get.)

I have always kept nearly everything free so that people who don’t have cash to spare can still enjoy it. Those with money should pay for those who don’t. What a crazy mixed up system. Imagine if they tried that in the real world. So you only need to feel guilty about enjoying this stuff for free if you’re lighting cigarettes with burning £50 notes as you do so.