Self Confidence V Self Doubt

Warming Up Catch Up

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I was thinking about myself today, as I very occasionally do and I thought that I am a bit surprised that my career isn't going a better than it is. Then I thought, also I am a bit surprised that my career is going as well as it is. Seemingly two contradictory opinions, but nonetheless I was able to hold them both simultaneously and believe them both to be true. I am both too useless to be as successful as I am and too talented to be as little appreciated as I am. Sometimes, I guess, I am two different people. I should try and do a podcast about that.

Is this just me or is everyone like this? Unable to understand why you're not more appreciated, whilst also not being to able to comprehend why anyone appreciates you.

Some people seem to be very cocksure of themselves and everything they do, but I suspect that confidence hides an even deeper insecurity. Imagine not being able to laugh at yourself or to admit your failings. Even to yourself

I suppose my combination of arrogance and lack of self-belief is what has fuelled my working life. How was I ever so brazenly self-centred to stand up on stage and try to make people laugh whilst still being the person who had to bolt from social gatherings out of fear that I might impose myself on others? I don't know. But if I wasn't capable of being both things at once then I could not be the self-derogatory comedian than I am today. My uselessness is the source of most of my material and yet I am able to express that uselessness skilfully enough in order for people to pay money to watch me. Not as many people as I think should be doing that, obviously, but more than I could reasonably expect?

When I was younger and worried I'd never lose my virginity (I was 28 years old at the time) it struck me as impossible to believe that out of all the people available on the planet earth, anyone would choose me to fall in love (or just in bed) with me. I wasn't even in my own top million best people to have sex with and yet ironically I seemed to be the only person prepared to have sex with me. And we did it a lot. I guess we both got off on being intimate with someone who we weren't that attracted to. I considered myself to be straight, yet I only had experience with someone not only of my own gender, but my exact physical match. Self-loathing narcissism.

Luckily it turns out there were other people out there who weren't that choosy. Quite a lot of them. How could it be that many? Also why wasn't it many, many more? How can I think both questions are valid?

Then I met my wife and even though I thought she was the greatest person I'd ever met, I still somehow felt that I was worthy to be her partner. How could I be that arrogant? If I really loved her and wanted her happiness I should have scoured the earth for the most perfect human being available for her. Not just presumed that I'd be that guy.

I should have got them together and watched them pair off, feeling happy that I had done something so noble and right for the woman I loved. Her happiness, surely, should be my only concern if I loved her. Did I really think I was the one who could bring her the joy she deserved? How do we convince ourselves that love is selfless, when it clearly exhibits so much self-interest. Unless you really believe you're the best possible person your partner could be with. In which case you've got other problems.

We all must know we're not good enough for the person we're with, if we truly love them.

And yet if the relationship breaks up you'll convince yourself that they didn't deserve you.

I look around at others and realise that I am doing so well and also that I'm doing so badly. I suppose it's all just about having perspective that flows in more than one direction. Self-worth and self-criticism - you probably need both. I am doing better in life than I could ever realistically have hoped and yet there are always ways I could be doing better. It makes perfect sense to believe two opposing things.

The key is finding the balance between them. I am both brilliant and terrible at that.

Don't let your mind chew away at you. Believe in yourself, but you know, be realistic.

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I think we've got our new place naming system all wrong. If you want to name a place after another place it's clearly foolish to just put "New" in front of the old name. Sure that works for a while, but things are only new for a little while and then they become old, yet you're stuck calling them New. So you want to name some islands after the Zealand and think I'll just call them New Zealand. Sure, works for a bit, but about 400 years later people are still calling it New Zealand and if you were one of the guys who came up with the name you're going to feel pretty stupid.

Surely the better system to keep things making sense is to name the new place with the same name as the old place and then change the name of the old place to Old X. So New York would be called York and York would become Old York. And it will always make sense.

What if someone wants to name a new place after York (by which I mean New York)? Simple. That new place gets called York and then (formerly New) York becomes Old York and (formerly York) Old York become Old Old York or Really Old York. Or Oldest York if you can be sure that the original York wasn't named after anything. I know what York was named after but I wouldn't want to bore you with the details.

It's really not the difficult. Might have to reprint a few "I heart New York" T shirts I guess, but that's a small price to pay for accuracy. Alternatively I don't mind if New York is renamed Old New Amsterdam.

No need to do it straight away, but if we could sort it by Monday that would be great.

My accountant informs me that this is the most financially successful year of my career (largely due to the fact that I was paid for two tours this financial year) but on writing up the history for my website I was struck by the fact that it is my least creative one ever too (no wonder that I don't know if I should feel like a success or a failure). I did write a stand up show, but a lot of the work on that was done in the previous year and I haven't written a book or a script or come up with a new weird podcast for a couple of years now.

I have come up with that York/New York thing though, so I think I can rest on my laurels.

A fallow year or two isn't necessarily a bad thing and I do have a couple of irons that if not yet quite in a fire, are sitting next to the fireplace waiting for someone to light the bloody thing (I can't do everything). A few years back we used our podcast sponsorship money to back an improvised feature film with a cast including Russell Tovey and me. Nothing has yet come of that yet, alas, though hopefully it might still appear at some point. Sadly the film I did with the same director a year before (just days before I realised that that big bollock was something to really worry about) was pulled by the producers too (for financial not artistic reasons).

But I have an idea for a film that we're hoping to start work on next year which we will make sure actually gets seen by people, even if it's just a few people.

And I had one morning of inspiration in 2024 when I came up with a game show idea, that we should be working on in 2025 too.

Perhaps my obituary photo has already been taken, but maybe there's time for a late flourish.

Remember if no one is ringing up asking for you, you've got to do it yourself.

This morning though, I took the kids to school, walked the dog, came home and tidied up the kitchen and then cooked food all morning - some healthy biscuits and a dahl - and I really like this side of my life and wouldn't mind it taking up more of my time. Then in the afternoon I did a book podcast and discussed logistics of filming a movie, before going back to being a dad and taking my daughter to football and putting the kids to bed.

Maybe half and half is the way to go.

However confused I am by my life and career and how it's all going, I do know I am an incredibly lucky man. Deserved or not.

On we push. We'll all be dead soon. Look busy.

Gotta love that little Danny Schreiber - he's the guest on this week's Book Club talking about his (ostensibly) kids book, Impossible Things.

It's an excellent Christmas gift.

Here's a clip.

And cos I love my paid subscribers, below is a little (very big) hint as to what the theme of the new film will be.