Sentient Toilets

Warming Up

8161/21081

I was woken at about 6am by outside noise, that sounded like someone was powerwashing the streets of Leeds. I couldn't see anything through my window. But perhaps that was what was happening. If so they did a thorough job and it was nice for them to be up so early to do it.

The hotel we were staying in may once have been grand, but had faded considerably. I was in a big cold room and the curtains didn't close properly. Although the hotel was big there was hardly anyone at breakfast and they didn't even put hot food out - you had to order what you wanted. Signs had warned it would get busier after 9am, but Bollings was able to confirm that it did not.

On the drive home we stopped at a service station and I was able to add to my increasing collection of flawed signs that try to stop you putting the wrong thing into toilets. To be fair this one is the best I've seen and from the layers of graffiti atop it, I suspect it's been there since Roman times. Ken Smith was g7gh apparently. Took me a while to decipher as I suspected it was something to do with sex or cocks, but then realised that it's just "here" backwards. Which still might have something to do with sex or cocks. It's slightly unsettling as Ken Smith was the name of my first year Middle School teacher. I don't think he'd want to write his name on a service station toilet door though. Could be wrong. No judgement.

Anyway the sign itself goes for the strap line "Toilets are NOT bins" which is largely true, though a skilled orator might be able to argue that they are a very specific type of bin. The sign though wants us to realise that toilets, whilst they might be a receptacle for waste, are not the same as bins, where you can place some kinds of rubbish. It doesn't tell you what can go in a toilet though (which is an error) or all the things that can go in a bin (also a mistake), but it does make it clear that nappies, wipes of other sanitary disposables should go in the bins provided. If you have any of those items then you should know what to do (though you could argue that toilet paper is a kind of wipe, so where does that go? You need to list the things that can go in the toilet too). What about plastic bottles? Which were the main concern of the previous sign. Bin or toilet. There is no information.

Also can I shit in the bin? No news on that.

Also why is Ken Smith trying to record his existence on a toilet door in a service station (Paul too)? Is there life so meaningless and dreary that an acknowledgment of their life on a toilet door gives them some kind of validation?

My mother-in-law, aware of my burgeoning interest in signs in toilets or anti-cone signs on gates, sent me this one from the toilet of a posh hotel, which doesn't care what you flush down, just wants you to leave the place clean and employs quite a threatening tone to make you conform. If you fail to leave the bathroom in an acceptable state the toilet will, apparently, inform the world of what it has seen. Your arse and genitals. Excreting stuff. Possibly in detail and with the hidden implication that there might be pictures too. I personally don't think they should be using sentient toilets. It's not fair on anyone, least of all the lavatories. If I'd made a toilet capable of seeing, understanding and speaking I'd be more worried that it was going to tell the world of the horrific things that I had done to make this possible. Somehow fusing a living organism into porcelain and presumably a human if it were to be capable of speech and comprehension. Then using that hybrid as a spy to ensure that the bathroom is kept in reasonable order. That's a worse crime than a bit of errant wee.

Another round of snooker related items are up on ebay, including the final pocket from the original board and the original cue ball, signed by the first 16 Mes. Don't miss out. Bid here.

Retro RHLSTP with Phil Wang

Full video available for free for the first time here

One more live RHLSTP in London next month. Still a few tickets but selling fast.

Book here.