Unproduced Scripts
Gorgeous
Writing about Cheddar the other day in the blog reminded me of the many attempts to write a Cheddar based sitcom/comedy drama that I’ve had over the years. The first was Sex Amongst the Stalagmites which I wrote in the 1990s. You’ve already seen Chedwood which was the last attempt and I also had a hankering to write an historical drama about the early days of the caves (that’s where Chedwood began in fact) set in Victorian times with the two proper cave discoverers Cox and Gough and Rowland Pavey, a mystical fellow who ended up trying to find a cave using dynamite, until he finally made a hole big enough to open as a cave.
In 2011 I had another go at SATS and renamed it Gorgeous. I don’t recall if it was commissioned (it probably was - I will at least have got paid) or who it was for. It’s based a little bit on my own experience of working in Cheddar Gorge and the manager and the assistant manager who were there at the time who were in a relationship (not secret as in the piece). She was small and round and he was tall and thin with a perm and looked younger than her. I believe she was later found to be embezzling money, in a really pathetic ticket scam that must have netted her about £10 a day. Everyone was a bit on the fiddle. If people wanted to just go up Jacob’s ladder rather than get a ticket for all attractions I realised that I could keep their 50p and not issue them a ticket. Unlike the manager I never got caught and probably made £1.50 out of this scam.
I thought the manager would make a great comedy character - especially if I made her a bit more ambitious (within the limits of the Gorge) and like Lady Macbeth. I wanted Dawn French to play her in the initial script, but she turned it down in a very kind hand-written note. If we ever did it now she might be good for Doris.
James is obviously based on me as an 18 year old virgin whose dad is a headmaster and Ian is also based on me as a drunk waster chasing girls. I would probably have played him if it had been made in the 90s or noughties. Now I could maybe do Rowland. And Lisa is an amalgamation of a few people, but someone I wanted to be the hero of the piece, very much justified in her desire for revenge, but clearly a bit crazy too.
As always with these first drafts that never got as far as being read out by actors, it’s not perfect. But there’s loads of good stuff in here and possibilities and I like that it’s got a realistic view of sex and sexual relationships, seeing the comedy in sex rather than aiming to get viewers from gorgeous people getting naked.
I also wanted Tom Baker to appear as a Lord Bath style character with lots of wifelets in a future episode and the Nookey Hole attraction (don’t know what that is based on) also feels like it has some mileage.
I’d love to put Cheddar on the map with something like this. Obviously the script is critical and honest about the Gorge, but I think also points out what is great about it and I dreamed that getting a hit show about Cheddar on screen might actually revitalise the place. It’s not too late. Though it’s pretty much too late.
Far from perfect as I said, but full of potential. Reading it again has made me sad that it didn’t happen.
These scripts (monthly as long as I can find old scripts to share) are for paid subscribers as a thank you for giving me about 14p a day. 95% of stuff on here will remain free, cos I don’t want people who can’t pay to feel they have to pay. But if you can pay and want to read a funny, lost script (as well as all the previous ones of course) then do consider a paid subscription.
SCENE 1 EXTERIOR MORNING THE TOP OF THE MENDIP HILLS. THE SUN IS RISING. FIELD OF SHEEP, FLOCK OF BIRDS ON THE GROUND. PEACE AND QUIET. AN EMPTY COUNTRY ROAD.
After a few moments of tranquility and a sweeping shot of the beauty of the countryside, an old and slightly dilapidated sports car zooms into shot. The sheep go running. the birds fly off. at the wheel is MIKE BOARDMAN a tall tanned man in his early 30s, somewhat reminiscent of a late 1990s Richard Madeley. Good looking, but trying a bit too hard. Beside him in the passenger seat is AMANDA LEWIS a short, rather plump woman in her mid to late forties. She is squealing with delight as Mike pushes the car faster. The car screeches as it goes into a sharp bend and Amanda screams and then laughs hard. She is scared but doesn’t want this to stop.
AMANDA
Mike!
MIKE just smiles slightly and pushes onwards. The car approaches the top of Yeobridge Gorge. Up here it is unspoiled and natural, the green hills gradually giving way to rocks, that rise as the road winds through it at precarious angles. MIKE negotiates them expertly, though each corner is blind and if anyone was coming the other way there might be trouble.
AMANDA
(with more urgency, but still enjoying it)
No!..... No Mike, slow down.
MIKE is enjoying this too much. he screeches around another sharp bend.
AMANDA
Seriously, Mike.
Round the next corner a car is in the middle of the road. it brakes and driver beeps, somehow MIKE misses it and comes to a stop. AMANDA is furious. She hits him. She has gone from carefree lover to boss.
AMANDA
You fucking idiot. I told you to slow down. You could have killed us.
MIKE’S cocky confidence evaporates. He is now a chided schoolboy. We see the true nature of this relationship. Perhaps there is a flicker from AMANDA that the brush with death was exciting. She moodily gets out of the car and slams the door.