Craven Randrew Andrew

Warming Up

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A frustrating day of trying to get to Chelmsford and back through heavy traffic on the way there and rain and road closures and traffic accidents (not involving us luckily) on the way back.

The bit in the middle was fun though.

I was taking part in the Essex Podcast Festival and was talking to my occasional collaborator Stevie Martin, who I am pleased to see is starting to enjoy the success that her incredible talent deserves, and Vittorio Angelone who I have not met before, but whose stuff online I’ve been really impressed with. Check out one of his stand up specials for free here

In the conversation with Vittorio I joked that he was probably in primary school when I started podcasting. Ludicrous notion. He was in the first year of secondary school.

He gave me a headstart, but it seems like his podcast business may have overtaken mine. And I think he deserves it. Mike and Vittorio’s Guide To Parenting reminds me a little bit of what I was doing with Andrew Collings back in 2008 before Vittorio had pubic hair (maybe not, he is of Italian heritage), only in that it’s a freeform chat that doesn’t seem to care to much about the legalities of what is being said. It’s good that some portions of the podcast Universe are still like the Wild West, even as great swathes of the land has been brought up by corporate interests and it won’t be long before every podcast is hosted by Ant and Dec.

Obviously I only do one podcast a week, which is lucky, because if I was doing two, in the middle of a tortuous car ride, then I imagine my brain would stop working in the second one and I’d spend minutes failing to remember the name of one of my favourite writers and telling the audience of the real life death stories that haunt me every time I think of them (and force them to be in the same boat). I tried out a couple of new emergency questions - and am thinking that I should maybe write a whole new book’s worth to new ones, just to keep things fresh. The EQs still lead to interesting places that the more biographical stuff doesn’t always (at least in terms of untold stories). I don’t know what make this podcast the limited success that it is (and it rocks in terms of longevity) and inevitably there’s a bit of an ebb and flow to how funny or interesting they are. I still love doing it, mostly. The audience seemed to have a good time, in spite of the nightmares that I may have given them.

Afterwards a woman claimed to have come all the way from Japan to see the show. I assumed that she was joking. But she had RHLSTP stickers on her phone case as she got a selfie with me. I feel I should have been more effusive with gratitude, just in case she was telling the truth. To be fair, I need more fans like that. Most of you pricks wouldn’t have travelled from Braintree to see me! There was a respectable 220+ in tonight and it was a good start for the Essex Podcast Festival. Check out their other shows here. Worth travelling halfway round the world for, but please don’t come any further than that. Or just go in the other direction.

RHLSTP with the truly remarkable Adam Pearson is up here.

This one is really worth your time so please do listen

Newsround is unstoppable (until tomorrow when I go away for a few days). Today’s ep about Chinese scientists wasting their time on kung fu-ing robots is now up here

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I can’t believe the biggest royal story for centuries broke today and that I was going away so unable to cover it. I also can’t believe that Ally somehow managed to do a Newsround on his own, yet still ignored this huge story. He did a good job though. Nice to know this can carry on after my death/when I get bored of doing it.

We were on the way to Cheddar to see the old folks. We had a relatively easy ride for once. The kids have rewatched Hamilton recently and are a bit obsessed, especially with King George, so we had to listen to the sound track, especially everything that the Mad King does.

Luckily it’s an awesome performance by Jonathan Groff, who steals the show as easily as the character he played stole territory. Though it’s even better when you watch it in all its pouty-faced, spit-flecked glory.

He also plays Kristoff in Frozen so is also responsible (in performance at least) for this banger (though thankfully the kids have moved on from this film and soundtrack after many plays)-

Hamilton is a step up, in listening terms and also a lot more educational. Phoebe was asking tough questions like was America the first country to have a President and what year was George III on the throne. Of course my history degree meant I could easily answer, but in order not to intimidate my kids I pretended not to know and was about 40 years out with George’s reign. Even though he mentions years in the song.

Ernie was more into the swearing and his favourite line was “They will tear each other into pieces,

Jesus Christ this will be fun!”

It’s sad that one kid got the history gene and the other got the toilet humour gene, but at least they are definitely both mine. Poor sods.

So whilst the rest of you were enjoying the 2026 royal crisis, I was back living one from the past. I wish I could have been there to comment on the justified continued downfall of Randrew Andrew. I never thought I’d feel sorry for him and I was right. This is like when Homer Simpson falls off the cliff. The Newsnight interview is the skateboard leap - he thinks it’s gone well and then tumble, tumble, tumble.

Unlike Homer Simpson, Mountbatten-Windsor-Legoland-Crystal-Greyskull-SnakeMountain utterly deserves his fate (remember he’s not yet being tried for any sex crime). His life of utter privilege and entitlement and bullying and you know, all the other stuff is a thing of horror and he will have made a thousand enemies, each delighted to turn on him. He would have been so sure that he was untouchable (and maybe that’s how it will turn out), but he is now having to face real world consequences for what he’s done and the way he’s behaved and I know that he is utterly bamboozled by it and will think it is he who is being wronged.

It could hardly have happened to a more deserving or craven bloke. Apart from maybe the person whose name appears on the Epstein files almost more than Epstein’s name does. I suspect he will never have to atone for his crimes. And has plenty of time to add some more to the pile that will make the current ones look like debatable speeding tickets.

Ally may have missed the story, but his message is spot on. It was the least craven newsround so far.

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The big news on this trip to Cheddar is that Phoebe is very nearly as tall as her grandma now. I think I’d already mentioned that Phoebe’s legs are as long as my legs (I’m all torso, short limbs and tiny hands), but maybe by out next visit she will have surpassed my mum in height, though admittedly she’s helping out by shrinking a bit!

It’s all going too fast for me. My niece was round with her two tiny daughters and I tried to get the 22-month old to do “Somebody’s hiding, I wonder who, it’s a little baby and she’s waving at you” bit from the book Phoebe used to have. It must be 9 years since I was delighted that Phoebe could do all the actions and now look at her.

It’s weird being a great-uncle because that’s the kind of tit;e that would usually go to an old, old man of almost 60, not me. The baby is just 8 months old and she seemed quite happy to sit on me and found me quite funny. It’s nice to hold a baby again, but I didn’t feel broody. It was bad enough having my second kid when I was 50, but I don’t want to start from scratch at 59 or 60. I am not really anticipating much or any post-kid time in my life, but there’s no point in making it certain.

The older great-niece finds me a bit scary or strange. Every time I see her for the first time she runs away crying. Most kids seem fascinated and amused by me, but the occasional one is able to see through to my rotten heart and I make them cry. I like to think it’s because I am so handsome that some children with sensitive souls are unable to take in my beauty without it hurting their eyes, like the sun. But who knows?

By lunchtime she was happy to sit at the kitchen table with me. She thought Ernie was hilarious, but I got nothing. There’s obviously something wrong with her sense of humour. And about 85% of adults’ sense of humour.

My 89-year-old dad has been a bit poorly and obviously when any 89-year-old isn’t very well, it’s a bit scary. I wa maybe looking a bit worried and Phoebe asked me if I was all right. I told her that it was sad for me because that was my daddy and she’d feel bad if her daddy wasn’t very well. She seemed unsure about that, but she realised that saying that had made me a little emotional and she came over and gave me a hug and then she got a bit emotional. That parent/child relay race extends back through time (at least for those lucky enough to have parents -or children -that deserve our love).

And the prospect of all those young lives going onward (even in the bleak future that Ally painted yesterday) is a wonderful thing. The baton passes and you can’t hold on to it forever or the race is lost.

There are (I think) thirteen people in this world who wouldn’t exist without my mum and dad. And at least ten of those people are cracking human beings. It’s a pretty good hit rate.

RHLSTP Book Club with Fergus Craig is up today. Listen here.